Trump Hosts Celebrity Apprentice to Decide His VP Pick

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In a shock move from the Trump Campaign, Trump broadcasts his VP vetting process on TV for everyone to see. This process, unsurprisingly, is a new season of Celebrity Apprentice starring members of Trump’s VP shortlist. Rand Paul, Mark Cuban, Newt Gingrich, Michael Flynn, and Marco Rubio all gathered at Trump Tower to film this summer TV blockbuster.

“The ratings will be YUGEE,” Trump boasted to an Inquir.io on-site reporter, while assuring him that “Yes, this is the best way to do this”.

The first challenge was brutal, knocking out Rand Paul, and nearly Marco Rubio. “Trump placed a ‘you must be this tall to ride’ sign outside the meeting room” sighed Rand Paul, “Rubio only got through because of his stupid boots“.

Round 2 of the eliminations claimed Mark Cuban. Trump explained Cuban’s hasty departure–“His unwillingness to admit I was richer than him is why he had to go. Honesty is very important to me”.

The final round was double elimination, and it turned the contestants on each other. Trump gave them each five minutes to insult the others without any sort of pre-planned attack or interruption from the target. Marco reminded us of his heritage by spitting spicy Cuban fire more authentic than Jeb’s $75 dollar guacamole bowl.

“First of all, Flynn is literally a Democrat” having been on the receiving end of a linguistic kill shot (term coined by Scott Adams) Marco pulled no punches. After hammering Flynn with that sole remark, Marco mocked Newt, dubbing him “moonman” for his futuristic view of wanting to build bases on the moon.

Things soon fell flat however as he resorted to replacing Newt Gingrich’s name with other members of the amphibian family for the remaining four minutes and 20 seconds.
Next up came Flynn. “I can’t even touch this podium because Rubio sweat all over it. Rubio also has the worst senate record of anyone. I yield the rest of my time to lizard here because he’s old and will need time to think of insults”. Flynn’s instincts as a former Lieutenant General were correct, as Newt Gingrich spent the time defending his moon base idea, which most people on set found to be pretty cool.

Having seen every presentation, Trump opened up a poll on his Twitter to see the people’s choice. The only catch was that you had to follow his Twitter to vote, increasing his follower count exponentially as intended. Trump wanted the people to have a voice on who he picked, and he took their recommendation into consideration when he picked his VP.

Something was off, however, as Trump’s name was also on the Twitter poll! Thinking it to be some sort of joke, people clicked Trump’s name on the poll in the millions. Trump/Trump was the highest voted option on the poll, and Trump smirked. “The people have chosen” Trump said with a chuckle.

Newt and Flynn began to furiously sweat, Marco’s perpetual torrent increased. “Trump/Trump will be the winning ticket for November. You’re all fired, you can go. Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like you to meet my vice presidential candidate. Trump!” In walked Ivanka, victory was all but guaranteed.

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